5 Reasons Humans Win the Battle of Wits: Man vs Armadillo

Man vs Armadillo

Contests and competition are part of human nature, they are part of why we are the dominant species on the planet earth, not considering dolphins who are really on this planet for all the fish! Contests have allowed humans the opportunity to improve, grow stronger, and evolve to a state where we are less concerned with our survival and more concerned with factors that impact the quality of life.

That being said, there are always instances that will force humans to rise to a challenge, even if the instance is something inconsequential such as driving through an intersection while a traffic light is yellow, or consuming a batch of scolding hot chicken wings with the prospect of getting a free t-shirt. There are also the ever popular, but highly entertaining instances of man versus nature which are humorous because they usually involve something funny like a man boxing a kangaroo. So, let me start this story with a question; in a battle between man and armadillo, who do you think wins?

This story starts back a few years ago. I have a friend who recently purchased a new home and spent quite a bit of time, and money, constructing these beautiful flower beds. Each night he would return home from work and spend time on his front patio or back deck relaxing, listening to music, and admiring the beautiful landscaping around his home. After a few months of living in the house things were great!

One morning my friend woke up, he wakes up early to avoid traffic on the way to work, and noticed that his beautiful flower beds had been torn to shreds. Judging by the evidence that was left behind, he assumed the damage was caused by a critter of some kind. The damage could have been caused by deer, it could have been moles, it could have been caused by some of the neighborhood kids who had nothing better to do. Naturally my friend went into action and tested all of the natural remedies, solar repeaters, hot sauce on the mulch, and paprika sprinkled on the landscaping but each morning he awoke to more damage in the flower beds.

Days turned to nights and nights turned into days and each morning my friend had the same problem, perfectly manicured landscaping was turned to horticultural wreckage over-night. The other day my friend woke up and toured his backyard like he does most mornings to clean leaves out of the pool and generally clean off the back deck, his backyard is his sanctuary. As he was cleaning some leaves out of the pool he heard a noise near the fence. Even though it was morning, it was still early and the sun was not yet high enough to shine light on the source of the noise. Curious about what it was, my friend went over to the fence to see what was the cause of the commotion and discovered a small armadillo was sneaking into his backyard.

It was his foe, the cause of all the damage in his beautiful backyard, a little armadillo who was as curious as malicious. My friend positioned himself between the armadillo and his fence and, armed with the pool net, walked toward his pool with the hope that the armadillo would walk away from him into the pool. Then he heard it, “Splash”. He could not quite see it because it was still too dark to see very far, but when he arrived to his pool and saw the armadillo he realized that he now had the upper-hand! The rest of the story is a little graphic so I will summarize it by saying it was an intense battle between man and armadillo. My friend ultimately won the battle but there were some casualties. The pool net was torn, the pole was bent, the pool was filled with excrement, and the armadillo was no more. From what I was told the battle lasted about 15 minutes. There were ups and there were downs, but in the end man was victorious and the landscaping has never looked better! My friend was glad he had finally located the source of his frustration, but now he had the daunting task of cleaning up the battlefield. Cleaning up armadillo excrement and mulch from flash floods is no one’s idea of a good time, but the fact that he can now wake up without his flower beds being torn up brought a smile to his face.

In the fight between man and armadillo, man wins! Here is why:

  1. Man has opposable thumbs and can use a pool brush
  2. Man likes things the way he leaves it. If you mess up man’s landscaping he will find you
  3. Man has read the Art of War
  4. Man doesn’t like rats, especially bulletproof rats like armadillos
  5. Man is awesome!

That is about all there is to it! Check out more blog posts from Paulk’s Pub for more memorable moments!

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